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tired

Knowing I failed miserably as a parent will never ease.

The tiredness consumes me.

Bleak

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how does one recover the past wrongs to make them right??

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Becca’s birthday

Gone back to bed. I have a cold. Snivels & sore eyes sneezing & generally feeling rough.

 

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Have had a cold drink (yuck) And I’ve taken my usual medicines, including now my cannabis spray.

My hottle bottle is keepng me warm under the blankets & pete regularly checks the stove. We returned from our laest trip to UK (wedding) to find rats had destroyed our sack of potatoes. We kept them in our ancient stone store house as it’s freezing in there. Not a good move by them as Pete has now declared war.

Our Sprockit dog is too young yet to grapple with a full grown beastie.

Pete’s gone over to the cottage to check out the wiring on our outside lights as they’ve never worked properly.

Yes, it’s my eldest daughter’s 46th birthday. I sent her a card but as we don’t have any contact I’m unable to say anymore.

Spoke to Pat though who’s having issues with his real dad over the behaviour he has due to his alcoholism…Pat wanted to hit him but had enough control to walk away. As he’s in the deep queensland bush there’s plenty of space. Although he sent me a pic of as snake he narrowly missed as he came home…had eaten a lot!

oh it all feels too difficult…and what do I say….oh son. guess what I feel like I too am slipping  into alcoholism. The pain of so many different things pull till I want to cry out. Instead The bottle fills the  gaping wound. I am worse from it afterwards – health compromised but it is anyway. My husband co-operates meekly filling the wine box. But I must master the temptation.

This time the visit was especially painful as I wasn’t able to see my two darling grandaughters – Time was a factor. But more so my husband was against it. I buckle under the control.

Since arriving in Eire my health, I think has improved in some areas. Sadly my broken coxyx means I am still very much in need of nappies (can’t think of the word) In other words I take a walk every day and when I get home I have to wash the poo away. Just fine & dandy…not

 

The spray has certainly eased the fibro pains I have in my body especially across my legs and arms. My fingers still really hurt from using the typing. Ma ybe one day I’ll get off the dreadful pain tablets I take. Hearing that another entire under the skin organ has been found seems about right when I visualise fibromyalgia.

 

http://www.thelancet.com/journals/langas/article/PIIS2468-1253(16)30026-7/fulltext

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/new-organ-human-body-interstitium-cancer-skin-scientists-discovery-new-york-a8275851.html

Tired of typing but want to write more.

 

freo

was hot as and the heat stuck me to the seat, the dusty air was blown away by the sacred freo doctor.

mother slowed up about three times before really stopping the car. slighty up on a kerb I leant across the dash to kiss her soft cheek, the casino walk across grasses  that were over aridly

met Paul Weller stood centre stage in amonst a young adoring crowd of possibly University guys My seat was a close enough to overhear segments, distinctly a well groomed super star was getting down with the people and I felt a small thrill of excitement – man who writes and plays so magnificently laughing about how fluid and very organic his concerts are. He is amazeballs!! WTF! It was too in the end I simply had to leave my spot before he disappeared! Step from the sliding door – gone.

Making certain my travelling bags were ok I puuled out my phone and went up to the very man, my legs are wobbly on a regular basis so I was afraid I might make a scene but thankfully I was purposely going enough to step across to the very person, the man. I simply asked, “are you Paul”? and when he smiled directly into my eyes as  his head turned towards me. Being fired up and thinking of my old man back at home on the boat, I then inquired as casually as my voice could, “Paul Weller?” “Yes indeed I am.” Tentatively I held up my Phone up I then asked if I could take a photo. He smiled so pleasantly with his companions and said “of course.”

Such simple moments trapped in a photo. A moment spoken of and enchanting the many English music lovers are told and shown….in a green and different land far away.

As a traveller I read about the Homeless running scheme. what a great idea.

Homeless fitness drive

Freo is such an amazing, vibrant town with much happening across the areas

How Activists Are Using Facebook Check-In to Help Dakota Access Pipeline Protesters — TIME

People around the globe are checking in on Facebook at the site of Dakota Access Pipeline protests in North Dakota, in an effort they hope will help protesters avoid detection by police. The Facebook activists are following the instructions of a viral post encouraging people to check in at the site to confuse the Morton…

via How Activists Are Using Facebook Check-In to Help Dakota Access Pipeline Protesters — TIME

 

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oh dear dear the pain

Disgraceful pain seers through joints & bones and forces me to stop being an extra iin the latest madmates film. I want a drink! I want to cry! Disgraceful emotions rush through me like a whirring gig,

My leg wobbles and loses traction. I leave the current zombie scene. “So what! it’ll go on without me.!

“…Irianna needs you Heather, you need her.”

There was a general distancing from the people who didn’t turn up by the filmcrew – it’s a tough call to be a part of an odd imagination of a story, even in a community.

I’ve gone through life an addict and my kids felt the despair this serpent brings it wasn’t an apple Eve bought to Adam but a glass of cider. It tends to make more sense then. The whole old testament stories run with booze

seeing and talking again to people who knew me years ago has been exeddingly awkward at times as our frame of intimacy are memories, often quite different, of times when we were younger.

…I told Miki the ‘bear’ story and yet in her life she has no memory of it while for me it’s echoed down the years. Her wild tales of Henry River resonate and of my driving years too young to get a licence! How we got new clothes or went to concerts was a tale and a half of excitement, How her tiny arse had managed to wiggle another pair of jeans over her own ones & my new skirt & jumper were divine as we’d giggled our way out of Debenham’s. The crazy fancy dress parties and motorbike riding. There’s a lot of laughs in amongst them.

My fingers burn & my hands hurt.

….After diving through the fear with breathing and acceptance of the situation. Thoughts of Sitting through days of exagerrated screaming and berating by my daughter- it was hell but not only did I make it, I did it with a carefully emotioned management.

Our relationship worked better from the quietening down ever onwards…i pray

arthur-rackman

thanks justbod

what a life

this is a note I got yesterday from a dear friend of mine>

‘Apologies……Haven’t even listened to my phone messages.’

Last night I’d been doing uni work till after midnight. Because of stress on my heart I’ve been fitted with a 24 hour blood pressure monitor that kept going off every half hour even through the night so I got no sleep.

I’ve Gone right back to where I was when had the initial breakdown.

I’ve Started typing up notes at 7.30am till 10am. Then I was Off to uni for 5 consecutive hours of lectures. Drive home through peakhour traffic. In between household chores there’s the college Emails, admin, typing till 10pm.and I have Just eaten!…. Now I’ve been told by uni I’ve Got to re-apply for the job that is knocking me out and I don’t have time to do the bloody application. Only consolation is I will have money coming in but too shattered to even sleep.

Constantly being pushed to cover more lectures …. Whoever decided to get rid of the admin manager and timetables and to make 14 note takers redundant and now only 3 of usleft. .. well whoever it was should be sacked for gross incompetence….’

sounds so true of what the stress and rush the expectation the horror of work  these days.

I had a gut sicknessthat burnt as I was reading it, whilst recalling how despereate are my recollections of the awful years of it, too long in stress and accepting it as a norm, the way life had to be.

It’s not.

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